


The Bigger, Blacker Box

by Sir_Arghs_III



Category: Ghost Hunt
Genre: Humor, SPR x Cards Against Humanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-26
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2020-01-16 12:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18521920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sir_Arghs_III/pseuds/Sir_Arghs_III
Summary: Part-time receptionist Yasuhara had one job that he was paid to do. And it certainly wasn't introducing the best and nastiest card game ever to SPR.





	The Bigger, Blacker Box

“Ah.”

Osamu Yasuhara had been rummaging through his bag when he saw the black box that occupied half of the luggage space. He brought the box out to study it.

“I forgot to return this.”

“What’s that, Yasuhara-san?” From the desk beside his, Mai Taniyama, who was just about to fall asleep sitting, asked.

“This?” Yasuhara held out the box for his fellow part-timer to inspect. “It’s a card game called Cards Against Humanity.”

“Can we play it with just the two of us? The business today is just too slow I’m getting sleepy!” Mai whined.

“Hmm…” He crossed his arms. “I’m afraid we can’t, Taniyama-san. We need at least three players; the more players, the better.”

“Then let’s call Bou-san and the others!” She was reaching down to get her cell phone when the door bells chimed.

Yasuhara stood up to greet the visitors. “Good da—ah, Takigawa-san! Matsuzaki-san and Hara-san, too!”

“Bou-san! Ayako! Masako!” Mai gasped as she, too, stood up.

“You seem too happy to see us.” Houshou Takigawa replied with a salute.

“You missed us, didn’t you~?” Ayako Matsuzaki pointed her index finger towards the part-timers in mockery.

Mai smiled sweetly. “What’re you saying, Ayako~? We’re too happy enjoying our _youth_ to miss you~”

“Oh really? Ohoho~”

“Yes, really. Ohoho~”

Bou-san sighed.

Yasuhara opted to stay silent and still.

Masako Hara scoffed. “Goodness. How shameful.”

“Shut up, Masako!” Mai and Ayako screeched in a united front.

“Now, now, everyone.” Everyone turned to Yasuhara, whose arms were raised in place of white flags but whose glasses glinted suspiciously. “Why don’t we enjoy each other’s company and play some cards?”

“Ooh, a card game? I’m good with cards. What’ll we play?” Bou-san rubbed his hands in eagerness as the younger man returned to his desk to fetch the black box. The monk read the cover and smirked. “Hey, it’s Cards Against Humanity! Shounen, I didn’t think you’d be playing things like this.”

Yasuhara mirrored the older man’s glee with an impish smile. “You’ve misjudged me, Takigawa-san.”

“I really did, huh. You’re becoming less of a young man now, shounen.”

The bespectacled young man humbly bowed. “I still have much to learn from you.”

* * *

“It’s actually a very simple game.” Yasuhara began his explanation as he opened the black box. The five SPR members were now seated around the coffee table of the reception: Mai and Masako on the long couch, Yasuhara and Bou-san on the seats across the girls, Ayako on the head of the table. “Each player draws ten white cards.”

“Then the last person who pooped today will be the Card Czar. The Card Czar picks a black card, which contains either a direct question or a fill-in the blanks question.” Bou-san added.

“P-Pooped?” Mai looked mildly horrified. Masako hid her disgust behind her kimono sleeve.

“Err– Takigawa-san, since this will be the first time the ladies will be playing, let’s just assign one person to be the Card Czar.”

“But who will it be?” Ayako asked. “Do you want to be Card Czar, Masako?”

“Absolutely not. I refuse to participate in this unpleasant game.”

“Fine. Be that way.”

The door bells chimed again, and everyone stood up.

“Good aftanoon.” John Brown walked in. “How’ve y’all been?”

“John!”

“Welcome, Brown-san. Have a seat,” Yasuhara invited. After John had been served with tea and had settled on the other seat next to Mai, he smiled brightly at the priest and continued fixing the upside-down cards. “Do you mind participating in a card game?”

“Not at all.”

“Oi, shounen…” Bou-san half-whispered to the college student beside him. The latter simply mouthed _“Relax.”_ before turning to the priest. The bright smile had not dimmed at all.

“Brown-san, you will be the Card Czar. You will be in charge of picking one black card for each round and reading the question on it. You will also have to receive and shuffle the white cards that everyone will be giving you as answers to the black card, read them aloud, and that’s it.”

“‘Kay. I understand.” John nodded seriously. Yasuhara and Bou-san almost felt sorry for the pious man.

No. Bou-san definitely felt sorry; Yasuhara, not so much as amused and excited.

“Okay. Continuing on, the players have ten white cards, right?” The guilty monk resumed where the impish young man, who was now obviously feigning innocence, left off. “Out of the ten they have to choose one, two, or three cards, depending on how many the black card requires, to answer the question. Then they’ll give the cards face-down to the Card Czar—that is, John.” He nods towards the Australian, who smiled and nodded back. “After each round, each player draws cards until they have ten again.”

“So how does one win?” Ayako’s game face was on.

“We vote for the best answer. The person who gave that answer gets the point. We compete for those points.” Bou-san shrugged.

“Yeah, okay. But how do we know it’s the best answer?”

“At your age, you still don’t you know how voting works?”

“That’s not what I meant, old man! How do we know it’s a good answer?”

“It will be obvious once all the answers are read.” Yasuhara grinned. “Well then. Here you go, Brown-san.” He slid the stack of black cards on the table towards John. “The players, please draw ten cards each.”

“…Mai, you’re awfully quiet.” Ayako spoke idly as she drew her cards one by one.

“I’m trying not to forget the rules.” Mai replied, equally distracted as she flipped her cards. Then she gasped. “Wh-What the heck is this?! _‘A really cool hat.’_?! _‘Explosion.’_?!” She lost her words as she read the rest of her cards.

Masako peered over Mai’s shoulder to read the cards and blanched.

The shrine priestess cackled. “You look like a fish, Mai!” Then she, too, started reading her cards. “ _‘Menstrual rage.’_ , _‘Teaching a robot how to love.’_ … These are great!”

The two other players were blasé.

“I wonder how many rounds it takes before Big Boss actually comes out of his office and bellows at us?” Yasuhara asked no one in particular.

“Yeah, ditto.” Bou-san echoed.

“Five at the most, I guess.” Ayako guessed.

“I’m betting on one round.” Mai added.

“Are y’all ready?” John, who was patiently waiting for the four to get their cards, asked anxiously. Although he wouldn’t admit it, he had this strong urge to back out. But because he found it hard to disappoint anyone, much less his friends, he offered a short and silent supplication for courage. When everyone nodded their heads, he picked the topmost black card and turned it around. The supplication immediately turned into long prayers of contrition.

“John?” Mai asked solicitously. “What’s wrong?”

By now, everyone in the lounge was looking at John with great concern. Bou-san and Yasuhara’s concern, though, is of a different context.

John audibly gulped, opened his mouth, and very quickly read the question aloud. “ _‘Here is the church / Here is the steeple / Open the doors / And there is’_ blank. One card.”

“Y-You know, John, it’s okay if you don’t wanna be the Card Czar anymore. Masako can replace you, right?” Bou-san gave the celebrity medium a meaningful look.

“I—” Masako started.

“N-No. I can do it.” John forced a smile as he determinedly received Ayako’s and Yasuhara’s cards and mouthed a prayer at the same time. “Others might be very uncomfortable being the Card Czar, so I’ll do it.” He shuffled the four cards and flipped them over.

_Here is the church_

_Here is the steeple_

_Open the doors_

_And there is _____._

“ _‘Poor people.’_ ” John read the first white card. He read the next one. “ _‘The-The D-D-Devil himself.’_ ” And the next. “ _‘The Pope.’_ ” The last card, he gasped out with flushed cheeks. “ _‘Surprise sex!’_ ”

Everyone was silent.

And then everyone but John laughed nervously.

“Haha… hahaha… seriously not funny, those who gave those nasty answers.” Bou-san droned.

“Isn’t that right, Takigawa-san?” Yasuhara asked in an accusatory tone.

“You both look guilty, you know?” Ayako rebuked the two.

“Oh yeah? I bet you’re the one who answered _‘Surprise sex!’_ ” The monk challenged.

“Of course not. I don’t have such an immoral mind. I answered _‘Poor people.’_ , if you so wanted to know.” She finished proudly.

Masako released a pompous sigh. “I knew it was you. Why was I not surprised?”

“Well, at least you understood me on that one. Poor people won’t understand.”

The two other ladies glanced at Mai, who didn’t miss anything. She glared at the two. “What was that, Ayako? And you’re actually siding with Ayako, Masako? Really?”

“No, not really.” Masako covered her lips with a sleeve. “Just when it is against Mai.”

“Why, you—!”

“Just for the record, I answered _‘Surprise sex!’_ ” Yasuhara confessed lightheartedly. “Since we have two of the cards accounted for, we can only guess who answered the other two.” Bou-san swallowed hard. The younger man grinned.

“Guess?” Ayako sniggered. “It’s obvious who answered what. Right, _Bou-san_?”

“I vote for _‘The Pope.’_ ” The monk raised his hand and hung his head low.

“Me, too.” Yasuhara echoed.

“Ehehe~ me, three!” Mai added.

“Me, four.” Ayako sighed. “John, if you want Masako to replace you, just say so already. You don’t have to force yourself for these idiotic men.”

“S’kay, Matsuzaki-san…”

Ayako sighed yet again, reaching out to get another white card. “So Mai gets the point this round, huh?”

“Yep! Ehehe~”

“You’re too happy, Mai!”

“I can’t help it!”

When the players had picked their card, John drew the next black card. Steeling himself, he flipped it over. “ _‘I never truly understood’_ blank _‘until I encountered’_ blank. Pick two.”

The players were all smiles and smirks as they browsed through their cards, with a little sniggering on the sides.

Masako whispered something to Mai while pointing at a card, and Mai frowned, saying, “You’re not the one playing, Masako.”

Ayako submitted her cards with smugness that declared her victory. Now, she wasn’t the kind of person to gloat, but her answer this round was just perfect. The other players had glares of fiery competitiveness. She leaned back on her seat in pity. What can she do? This round was hers.

Yasuhara adjusted his glasses. His stats were 9 victories out of 12 games played. There was no way he’d lose this game. But considering the players, and not to mention the Card Czar, his confidence was at roughly eighty percent. He decided to follow his usual strategy in choosing his cards: amicable and respectable in real life, nasty and witty in Cards Against Humanity.

Bou-san was serious, as if he was in a case. He knew his answer was good. It’s just that it hits a bit close to home, somehow. He looked at Mai as she surrendered her cards. Judging from the way she pinkened by the second, it seemed like her answer does, too.

“I’ll be reading the cards now, y’all.” John said, flipping the cards.

“Ah, Brown-san, wait. Is it okay if you read the question with each answer?” Yasuhara requested.

“Sure. Uh… _‘I never truly understood “Saying ‘I love you.’” until I encountered “Genuine human connection.”’_ That’s the first one.” For the first time since the game began, the priest smiled genuinely. The others did as well. He moved on to the next pair of cards. “ _‘I never truly understood “Overcompensation.” until I encountered “P-Penis envy.”’_ ”

“Overcompensation? Hahaha! I guess someone’s bitter she wasn’t a guy.”

“Or that may be you, Takigawa-san.”

“What was that, shounen?”

“Just an attempt at cheekiness.”

“Whatever, you two.”

“Ayako, I don’t get it.”

“Not you, too, Mai!”

“A-Anyway!” The priest interceded. “The next one is… _‘I never truly understood “An… erection that lasts longer than four hours.” until I encountered “…Viagra®.”’_ ” Poor John bowed his head in extreme embarrassment. That was the first time he ever had to utter phrase after phrase of… immoral, profane, and shockingly unapologetic words. He had to confess to Father Endo before the day ends.

Bou-san, Ayako, and Yasuhara burst out laughing, having long forgotten about John’s background. Mai and Masako were positively red-faced.

“That’s a good one!” Ayako cried out, wiping a tear off her eye. “Genius!”

“Formidable player, indeed.” Yasuhara nodded, unable to restrain his smug grin.

“Shounen, I think it’s time I stopped calling you shounen. You’re a dirty old man!”

“I learned from the best!”

“Wh-What’s the last one, John?” Mai, asked over the laughing trio.

“It’s uh… _‘I never truly understood “A lifetime of sadness.” until I encountered “A sad handjob.”’_ ”

A gloom silenced the room, amplifying Mai’s sudden exclamation.

“L-Lin-san!” she called with a nervous laugh. “Do you… uhm… need something?”

Everyone else turned to the tall Chinese man frozen halfway between his office and the lounge, expecting an imminent doom. But all Lin did was slowly and stiffly turn and close the door behind him.

“W-we’re screwed, aren’t we…” Bou-san whispered.

“If Big Boss himself hadn’t come out of his office yet, then not quite yet.”

“Don’t jinx it, Yasuhara-sa—”

“Mai!” A shout, coming from the door to the president’s office, cut her dangerously short.

“—Yes!” Mai flinched and stood up. She threw Yasuhara a reproachful look as she waited for orders.

“Tea. Right this moment!”

“Yes!!” Mai scurried to the kitchen and began brewing tea. “Guys, you want more tea? Sorry I forgot!” she called out.

“Nah, it’s fine, jou-chan!”

“Okay!”

Mai deftly prepared her boss’s tea and made her way to his office. She knocked twice on the door. “Naru?”

“Enter.”

She placed the teacup and saucer down in front of Kazuya Shibuya, president of SPR. “I-Is there anything else, Naru?” she asked, fidgeting. 

* * *

Noll gazed at her briefly. It was obvious that she wanted to get away from his office and go back to playing that foolish card game. “None. You may leave.” Mai audibly let out the breath she was holding as she all but scrambled out.

When the door closed, he proceeded to savor his tea. All the case files he had been reviewing were stacked on the left side of his desk, abandoned the moment Mai’s shrill “Bou-san! Ayako! Masako!” pierced his concentration. As such, he had been tolerating the noisy merrymaking in the reception area and overhearing most of the dialogues.

“How was it, Mai?” He heard Matsuzaki-san ask.

“Safe!”

Held breaths were exaggeratedly released. Noll took a sip of his tea to quell his rising impatience.

“Going back to the game,” Yasuhara-san began again. “That last one was really sad, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. So sad I’m almost sure who answered that.” The priestess replied.

A short silence, then—

“What? Why’re you all looking at me?” came Bou-san’s guilty voice.

“Oh, nothing. Just that _someone’s_ deprivation has been emanating.”

“Would you like to gratify that someone’s needs, then, Ayako?”

The teacup paused halfway to Noll’s parted lips, which stretched into a small smirk. How brazen, Bou-san.

“Hmm… I would’ve, if the answer weren’t a self-fulfilling prophecy.”

The smirk widened. How mildly entertaining. Laughter filtered in from the other side of the door.

“Who wins this round?” the part-time receptionist queried.

“The Viagra® one, definitely.” Matsuzaki-san replied. “Any objections? ...Who answered that, anyway?”

“It was yours truly.”

“Yasuhara-kun, you’re nasty, you know?”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, Matsuzaki-san.”

“Then, John. Read the next question.” Bou-san grouched.

“O-Okay.” A slight shuffling. “ _‘A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have fifty percent less… uh… s-sex after being exposed to’_ blank. One card.”

More sniggering and comments about clinching the round.

Noll considered the players: Mai, Bou-san, Yasuhara-san, and Matsuzaki-san. Out of the four, Mai was the one most likely to fall in the last place, while Yasuhara-san was likely to win, although Bou-san was certainly a challenger. Matsuzaki-san will probably be second to the last.

“I’ll be reading the answers now.” He heard John say nervously. Why Yasuhara-san picked the priest and why no one else objected, Noll was not quite sure. He had one concrete theory, though. “The first one is… _‘A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have fifty percent less… sex after being exposed to “M-Mas…turbation.”’_ ”

“What, Takigawa-san, was that you again?” The part-time receptionist chaffed.

“What? No! I bet it was you, shounen!”

“You got me!”

“Uh… _‘A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have fifty percent less s-sex after being exposed to “Getting really high.”’_ ”

“I wonder what happened in college…” Mai said.

“Shut up, Mai. Nothing happened. It’s just an answer, idiot.”

“Oh? So you answered that, Ayako?”

“Hmph! Continue, John!”

“Uh, yes! _‘A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have fifty percent less sex after being exposed to “…G-God.”’_ ”

The lounge was filled with hollers and groans.

“That was mean!” Mai cried.

“A really low blow.” Yasuhara-san concurred.

“Yeah… hahaha…”

“That’s strike two, Bou-san!” Matsuzaki-san shouted.

Hara-san sighed loudly. “John, I apologize for these low-class people.”

“A-Anyway, y’all!” John’s voice was a duet of panicked and horrified. The last one… _‘A recent laboratory study shows that undergraduates have fifty percent less sex after being exposed to...’_ ” he gulped. “ _‘Erectile dysfunction.’_ ”

Noll choked on his tea. Coughing, he placed his teacup on the desk and felt for the tissue box. He was dabbing a part of his lapel when he noticed the silence in the other room.

“J-jou-chan…” Bou-san started solemnly.

“Y-Yes, Bou-san?” There was hesitation in Mai’s voice.

“That was your answer, right?”

“Yeah. I picked it at random. Why, what does it mean?”

Silence once again, and then—

“Taniyama-san,” Yasuhara-san’s tone was that of a professor ready to give a long lecture. Noll quickly stood up and bolted for the door. “Erectile dysfunction is a dysfunction wherein the pe—”

* * *

Naru opened his door. “I have tolerated this long enough! You are all noisy and are disturbing others who, unlike you, are working double because some people—” he shot Yasuhara and Mai very angry, icy glares. The part-timers cringed. “—do not do the jobs that they were hired to do. So if you have no legitimate business here and now, you are all dismissed for the day.”

“Whoa, Shibuya-san—” Yasuhara started, but Mai threw cards at him to silence him.

“We’re-We’re sorry, Naru.” Mai stood up and bowed in apology. The others mirrored her actions.

“Sorry, Shibuya-san.”

“Sorry, Naru.”

“You are _not_ allowed to play that game—or any other game—in this office, do you understand?” Naru’s voice was so coldly imperative that the irregulars and the part-timers responded only two words in unison.

“Yes, boss!”

* * *

“So it took us three rounds, huh.” Yasuhara spoke up. The five who were involved in the game, plus one, were now walking out of the building.

“Yeah. But you know…” Bou-san added. “I didn’t think he’d be so offended by erectile dysfunction. Did you?”

“Hmm… you have a point, Takigawa-san…”

“Like I asked a while ago, what’s erectile dysfunction? Someone answer me already!” Mai whined stubbornly. She was met with nothing.

After a while, Ayako answered. “It’s better not to know, Mai.”

“But—umph!”

Bou-san, who was walking in front of Mai, suddenly stopped, causing the girl to bump into him. “Oi, you guys… You guys don’t think Naru-bou has…?”

“Takigawa-san! That’s a dangerous claim—”

“But what _if_ —”

“Do you want to be banned from SPR, you idiot monk?”

“Please…” Everyone turned to John, who had been pale since the start of the game. “Please, let’s just let it go and forget this day.”

“Yeah, okay. Sorry, John.” Bou-san ruffled John’s blonde hair. The priest responded with an exhausted smile.

“Everyone, shall we agree to never play Cards Against Humanity again?” Yasuhara proposed seriously.

As if on cue, the others roared, “It was your idea in the first place!!”

**Author's Note:**

> The allusion to Naru's... condition was based on Fuyumi Ono's forum post, which was translated and posted by Kage Dreams on LiveJournal under the tag 'gh'.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own Cards Against Humanity; all the innocent-looking questions, the nasty answers, and the unusual terms regarding CAH mentioned in this story are trademarked by Cards Against Humanity LLC.


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